Oh yeah- Lent is over!

I almost forgot to post my last Lent entries!
Also, I'm not sure when the Easter entry will make its LJ appearance. We don't have our own internet at the moment; I am currently bunnyhopping my neighbors' Linksys, and the signal keeps going in and out, which is suck and makes is super hard to upload photobucket pics for the html codes.

Anyway, here are a few things:

Lent Day 36 (Tuesday, April 7)
My dad told me a story the other day. I liked it so much that I googled it, and decided to document it for myself, and share it with you:

---As part of his search, (John Kavanaugh) volunteered to work for three months at "The House of the Dying" in Calcutta, India, a place founded by Mother Teresa. The very first morning he was there, Kavanaugh met Mother Teresa. She asked him, “What can I do for you?” He paused to think and then asked that she pray for him. “What do you want me to pray for?” she wondered. “Pray," he said, "that I have clarity.” Her abrupt response took him aback. “No," she told him, "I will not do that.” When he asked why not, she told him, “Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of.” When Mr. Kavanaugh observed that she seemed to have the kind of clarity he wanted, she laughed out loud and told him, “I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God.”---

Why is it so easy to forget that we lean not on our own understanding? We burden ourselves with trying to figure it all out and know exactly what we are “meant” to do…

“Many a Christian worker has left Jesus Christ alone and gone into work from a sense of duty […] The reason for this is the absence of the resurrection life of Jesus. The soul has got out of intimate contact with God by leaning to its own religious understanding.”

Lent Day 39 (Friday, April 10)
UGH, I am having the most terrible time choosing a BOY name! I tossed around the idea of Kyran, but Kyran sounds so….. I don’t know, untraditional. Perhaps because I completely made it up. I am a huge fan of traditional boy names (how my son came to be Adryel, I still have no clue. Ben prophesied it, so I blame him. However, Adry’s first name IS Benjamin), but ALL of the traditional boy names I love have been taken. Jacob- brother. Matthew- brother. Timothy- dad and brother. Caleb- cousin. Michael- mom’s dad and brother. Christopher- every other kid on the planet. SO, I decided to look up traditional biblical boy names and came across a few I thought were different, and maybe grow-on-me worthy:

Javan
Tobias
Elijah/Eli
…….and I’ll keep Kyran on the list.
I also like Cillian (but it reminds me of the beer- boo!), Jayden (but it is sooo trendy), Silas, Micah.

Dang you, boys names! Why do you have to be so hard?! I need to just have 4 more girls. I love all my girl names.

GIVE ME some of your favorite boy names!!




My mom got Adry this OSU hat, and I think he looks cute in it. Now if we can just get him to keep it on.

To: Life

Hello, Life!
I'm trying to embrace you but I am so tired.
I am trying to eat right and stay showered and looking nice, but this takes a lot of effort.
I'm trying to stay hydrated but it hurts to get up and pour myself a glass of water.
I'm tying to be optimistic, but I am worried about something.
O, life...
I'm going to get up and try again!
I'm going to ignore the allure of my comfortable bed and try to live you a little.
And maybe I'll fold some laundry while I'm at it.
You may be moving faster than me at the moment, but I'll catch up to you!
In the meantime, cut me a little slack will ya'?

With love and appreciation,
Jessica E.

Motherhood and Jenny McCarthy

 I am really getting a kick out of reading Jenny McCarthy's Baby Laughs.  My mom bought it for me despite her ultra conservativeness (which I'm starting to believe is just a big put-on *winks and waves at Mom who is undoubtedly reading this).  When she reads it she can't stop laughing so she HAD to get it for me :-).

Anyways, I can already relate to a lot of the stuff she talks about and it's kinda refreshing to hear a real personal account and a humorous twist to the torture that women endure when stepping into mommyhood.  Seeing as how I am not a mother yet, some of it also surprises me, and maybe scares me a little, too.  She talks about when her son pooped ALL over the place- he was covered from head to toe and it was a nightmare to clean him off... and it happened more than once  (How does that happen??  I'm NOT excited for that!  everyone always warns me, 'Oh, I hope you're ready for spit up and poopy diapers,' but those seem like a piece of cake compared to poop EVERYWHERE!)  She also talks about leaking boobs.  Ok, I KNEW I was going to have to face that, but I just thought I could get bra pads and *WAHLAH*- problem solved... but Jenny talks about how she would literally leak puddles and oftentimes pads just weren't enough.  (Embarassing, right?)

Here's a part I can already REALLY relate to:
(Jenny is talking about the first time since she gave birth that she got up the guts to look in the mirror) "I didn't know what to cry about first.  I still had two chins.  I had purple, veiny, giant tits.  Cottage cheese holes were dripping down my thighs, to the point that I couldn't see my knees, and the absolute, hands-down worste thing was the deflated tire around my waiste, a jelly roll that jiggled and slapped each side of my body when I shook back and forth.  [...] I simply stood there and stared in awe at Mother Nature's artwork.  I was so glad my husband was not home to see the piglet monster.  I just wish once in a man's lifetime he could experience what a woman has to go through to give birth.  My husband hadn't seen me completely naked in months, and you could be damn sure he wasn't gonna start then..."

HA!  Yeah.  I've learned a lot of things about motherhood already.  It's exhasting.  It's stressful.  The worries never end.  It's messy.  I'll be pooped on, thrown up on, and peed on.  I'm going to be a sleep deprived zombie for a while.  It's NOT going to be a fun joyride.  But it is simply the most beautiful, lovely, and fulfilling experience-- an opportunity to put myself to the side and pour out all my love on another humanbeing.  You know what?  I'M EXCITED!!!  I'm excited for those times when he is calm and content and I can just lay beside him, staring at him, thinking about how beautiful he is.  I'm excited to feel his little toes and for his little hands to grasp onto me.  I'm excited for him to fall asleep in my arms.  I'm excited to pick out his clothes and dress him, and for his first smile and his first laugh and his first everything!  I'm excited to watch him grow up so I can pick out his personality traits that he gets from me and his dad.  I'm ready to me a MOM!

Jessica [n. jes.i.kuh]:

My name is Jessica LeAnne (Sanders) Ellwood.

 

I believe in God.

I believe he created the universe and everything in it.

I believe he created man, and gave man the god-like ability to create.

I believe in free will.

 

I believe in worship,

And that worship is a daily decision to recognize and obey God.

 

I believe in Heaven and Hell,

That Heaven is an eternity in God’s presence

And Hell is simply eternity in his absence.

I can’t wrap my mind around a fire and brimstone Hell of eternal torture.

I just don’t buy it.

 

I am a Christian.

I believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God, that he died for my sins, and that he rose again in the third day.

 

I guess I could also be considered a Heretic.

I believe in evolution, or at least in its possibility.

I do not believe in a 7 day creation.

I believe the Earth is millions of years old, or at least I am very convinced!

I’m not sure I believe in a worldwide flood,

And I believe in the possibility of the extra terrestrial, or life on other planets.

 

I believe in the church,

That it is the body of Christ

And that it is worldwide and should be completely unified.

 

But I also understand the necessity of denomination-

To define a set of acceptable beliefs and practices

Because too many non-denominational churches divide and crumble over disagreements concerning biblical interpretation.

 

I am a Strait Edge girl.

I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. I don’t have sex outside of marriage.

However,

I think weed should be legalized. 

And to be completely honest

If it were, I would have to do some major thinking about whether its something I would do or not

Because it would probably work 10x better than Xanex and is better than being on the verge of suicide.

 

Which brings me to Depression.

An old friend.

I am familiar with him, and he with me, and I’m okay with that.

 

But Anxiety is a different story.

I hate anxiety.

It effects my life every day

And I would do anything to destroy it.

 

I believe in God’s loving grace.

It is sufficient.

At times it is far more.

I lay my burdens at his feet and he carries them for me.

Sometimes he carries me.

I owe my life to grace.

 

I am…

Defiant to the bone.

Strong willed.

Short tempered.

And often unmotivated.

 

I am not…

A positive thinker

A people-pleaser

A peace keeper

 

I…

Love.

Forgive.

Try to understand perspectives and motivations.

Admit when I am wrong and will be the first to apologize.

Do NOT expect people to live by what I believe unless they claim to believe

And do NOT judge the lifestyles of those who do not believe.

 

I HATE…

Holding grudges, even when it is so hard to let it go.

Being misunderstood without being given the chance to explain myself.

Self-indulgence, self-centeredness, self-rightousness, self-worship.

Arrogance.

 

I LOVE…

FAMILY.

Purity.

Beauty.

Truth.

Passion.

Community.

Peace.

 

I like…

Photographs/ photography-

(I’m no good at it but I sure do appreciate it).

Clothes, jewelry, hair, and other girly things.

Ohio and all four weather seasons.

Lakes, boating, trees, picnics, and flowers.

Novels.

Reflective writing.

Letters.

Movies.

Romance.

Home.

 

I aspire to be…

A lifelong learner.

A lifelong friend.

A flexible, open-minded educator who cares and makes a difference.

A supportive and loving daughter and sister who can always be counted on.

A forever faithful, encouraging, understanding, and affectionately loving wife.

A good, righteous, adoring, unconditionally loving mother who raises godly children,

And a dedicated disciple of God- always surrendering, always loving, always trusting, always obeying.

 

Well, that's ME!

I just went to take a drink of lemonade and completely missed my mouth.  I was a few centimeters shy.
Isn't that supposed to be something humans instinctively know how to do?
Aren't our hands and brain supposed to be coordinated in such a way that we can drink without looking at or feeling our mouths to make sure we are hitting the right spot?
Apparently I am dysfunctional.

Also, it is January 21st (my MOM'S BIRTHDAY, BTW!!-- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOMMA!!!!) and I still have my Christmas decorations up.  Talk about being lazy and procrastinating!  I promised myself I would get that done today.

"And now for something completely different:"

I've been thinking lately that there are areas in my life I need to shape up. prune. refine. whatever.
1) I recently noticed I am in a spiritual rut.  Big time.  I'm walking into a glass door over and over and it's getting me nowhere.  I am BORED.  I am bored as heck with church.  I can't stand to wake up and go anymore (but I do).  I am even bored with reading my daily William Barclay.  I LOVE Barclay, but I've been skipping out on him a lot, lately.  I am bored with praying- I feel like me and God are at that stage where we are an old couple completely used to each other, but we try to set a date at a nice restaurant to spend time together and we just end up sitting there in silence because there just isn't much to say.
I need REVIVAL!!!

"I concede, my love, that I need your love
I'm before you, a broken man.
And it's only you, no substitutes, who can renew this soul again...
I'd rather burn for you than fade away,
I'd rather burn for you than go my way."
-Toby Mac

2) I need to STOP WORRYING! 
I think way too much about what has gone wrong and what could go wrong.

3) I need to FORGIVE MYSELF! 
I blame myself for a LOT.
I am afraid that if there is anything wrong with Adry I will blame myself for the rest of my life.
I will blame myself for not eating the best I could,
or for not going to the dentist or the Gastro Paresis specialist on time,
or for not controlling my blood sugar well enough,
or for forgetting my vitamins sometimes,
or for playing music too loud,
or taking too hot of showers,
or breathing too many cleaning chemicals,
or laying on my back and right side too often,
for not exercising,
or for dying my hair,
or for a THOUSAND other things I could have done better during pregnancy.

And yeah, maybe I could have done better.  Maybe I could have been more careful sometimes.  But I need to LET IT GO!  The past is the past and there's NOTHING I can change about it.  I can only move forward.  Of course I want everything PERFECT for Adry.  Of course I want him COMPLETELY healthy from head to toe.  Chances are, he'll be a perfectly happy and healthy baby boy, but if something happens to be "wrong" I know I'll have the strength to deal with it, tackle it one day at a time, and he'll still be by beautiful son NO MATTER WHAT and I need to find peace, faith, and assurance in that.
And, if anything happens to be "wrong", I so desperately need to not blame myself.
Let go. Move on. Grow. Strengthen. Seek beauty, faith, peace.

I need to focus on:
a REAL beauty,
a DEEPER truth,
an ACTIVE love,
what's REAL,
what's RIGHT,
and what's IMPORTANT.

So... I know what I need to do.
Now I just need to do it.

LoveJess

get over it

not feeling good.
not happy.
worried about everything.

i need to...
get over it.
move on and make the best of things!
take a deep breath.
smile.
hope.
be thankful.
neither worrying nor second guessing will make anything better.
just DO what needs to be done.

for hurricanes have, the bluest eyes I've ever seen.

"I am pining for your mercy,
for this storm to break,
Lord you are my comfort,
the hope for which I wait."

LiveJournal,
Life is mostly back to "normal" since the "hurricane". 
I'm not even gunna lie- It feels SO GOOD!
Everything is much more relaxed, and altogether more happy.  My family is getting along GREAT.  ...No more sitting around and worrying.  ...Much less tension in the air.  I am much less naive, haha!-- Ignorance is bliss, but also reckless.  I made a reckless, naive decision, and I learned a ginormous lesson.  And NO, the lesson I learned was NOT that no one can be trusted.  There are many beautiful and trustworthy people out there.  The lesson I learned was to KNOW a person before I trust them (and confide in them).
Anyways, there are still some loose ends I'd really like to tie up.  I don't know when or how, but it'll happen.  SO much has happened so far.  I thought I'd have to wait and be patient FOREVER, but I MADE the decision to give it to the Lord and wait patiently, and he worked faster than I expected.  I consider it a miracle, really.  I mean, I felt like I was flat on the ground with my face in the mud and that it would be impossible to stand and see the sunlight again.  I felt absolutely betrayed and stomped on and attacked and utterly heartbroken.  Then, within a matter of days I felt such a gracious peace and comfort, and a beautiful love.  Wow!- Only God!  ...My heart still drops a little when I think about the biggest victim, but I am beginning to have more confidence in his strength.

I've started dreaming and planning for a future that would best benefit my family (baby, Ben, and I).  I have this fantastic degree that is mostly useless without a few finishing touches (called a GENERALIST ENDORSEMENT).  Before baby came into my life my plan was to finish my endorsement and my MA, then find a full time teaching position.  BUT, now I'd like to find a job in my field (preferably tutoring this summer and substituting in the fall) just until I can knock out this stinkin' endorsement, and then apply for full time teaching positions before the end of next school year.  If all goes as planned, I'll have secured a good job by fall of 2009, and then I'll start working on my MA during the summers.  I feel REALLY good about those plans :-D.  It feels good to feel good!

FRIENDS
I've also been thinking about friends, and how I am absolutely, bottom line, the most BLESSED girl in the entire, whole world.  I only have a handful of close friends, and I've never felt the need to have more.  As a matter of fact, it is actually a struggle for me to come up with the time and energy (and interest) it takes to make new friends and be close to them.  I think that's because I am SO fulfilled with who I have- I'd rather dedicate all my time to them.   There is a time and a place for new friends- I'm definitely not closed off to the idea.  I'm just not out searching for it.

My friends are beautiful.  I am proud of them.  SO proud.  I want all of the best things in the world for them, and they want the same for me.  I can run to them any time of any day, for any reason, and they don't need to say a word- I know they love me, and I love them.  They are my refuge from drama, and the world's judgement.  They REALLY KNOW me- I don't hide any part of me, I trust them so much.  *THANK YOU, GOD.  Why have you found me worthy of such a blessing?  It is so hard to come by, and I have it for LIFE.  Whatever the reason, thank you.  I'll hold your gift so close to my heart and take care of it always.  This friendship is really something worth taking good care of :-)*

I'm out for today!
ForeverLove,
Jess

PS- The famous picture of the baby grabbing the doc's hand is of a 21-week old fetus, the same age as mine is now :-).

What the frick is wrong with me?

Today should have been a fantastic day, but I was miserible.

Possible Causes: Depression*Hormones*Lack of Sleep*Anxiety

I woke up at 7 this morning to get ready for my ultrasound.  I was so excited I could barely sleep last night!  In the waiting room at the doc's office I suddenly felt this complete, depressing lack of interest., and then I started getting nervous and had the urge to run out of the office, and deny that I had an appointment, or that there was a baby in my belly, or that it was the ultrasound day that I have been OH SO EXCITED for for the past TWO freaking MONTHS!  I have NO clue why these feelings SUDDENLY crept over me.

They finally took me back to the ultrasound room, gelled my belly up, layed me back, turned on the screen etc., and I actually had to MAKE myself LOOK at the screen.  I wanted to look away and pretend like nothing was happening-- get it done and over with, then go home.

The baby was healthy.  Dr. King checked the brain, arms, legs, heart, spinal cord, placenta, cervix, etc.  Everything looked good.  We got a print out of the baby's face, profile, hand, foot, crotchal region, and spinal cord.  She had some trouble telling what the gender was, due to his crossed legs, but she was really leaning towards it being a BOY.  She saw something that may have looked like a girl once, but then saw other things that made her lean more towards it being a boy.  I asked her how sure she was, but she wouldn't tell me.  (I wonder if people have yelled at her before for being wrong?)  She told me, "Let's just say, don't paint your walls pink or blue.  Stick to beige.  Beige is a safe color.  And keep the tags on anything you buy."  Despite what she said, I'm fairly certain she was atleast a little confident that it was a boy, because she gave me FOUR ultrasound pictures of what looks like a little penis (or a "turtle" as she called it) and she didn't print out any of the pics that made it look like a girl.  I think she was just trying to be safe, but I am really fairly confident that it is a boy.  ...but there is ALWAYS that chance I am wrong, so I am definitely going to stick to neutral things!

***NOTE TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE HAD BABY BOYS: I am going to post ultrasound pics of baby crotch.  Please take a look at them and let me know if they look anything like the baby boy pictures you got, ok?***

ANYWAYS-- After the ultrasound I broke down.  I threw a fit and told my momma to take me home, and I sat in her car and balled my eyes out.  I started thinking all of these AWFUL, UNTRUE, IRRATIONAL thoughts like: "why did I ever want a baby?  I just want to go home and live my own life.  I don't like this anymore, I just want it all to be over."  Those thoughts lasted a whole 2 seconds before I IMMEDIATELY felt extremely guilty and realized that I DID want the baby and I didn't mean any of it.  I felt SO horrible for thinking those things, even if just for a split second.  I actually appologized to the baby, as if he knew what was going on, lol.  My God, though, I felt SO guilty!  I LOVE this baby, and I've been TERRIFIED of ANYTHING that could possibly go wrong.  I just was so SAD, and had no idea WHY. 

...then Ben called in the middle of my pity fest and got really upset.  He said, "Jessica!  You should NOT be upset right now!  We just saw amazing US footage of OUR baby moving and kicking inside of you!  He's healthy, and you should be thankful and excited!"  You'll never guess the pathetic response I came up with!  I started crying even harder and said, "You're right.  I'm selfish and pathetic.  I'm not cut out to be a mother.  I'm a horrible mother."  Ben told me I just needed more sleep, which is more than likely true.  Then he asked me to please send him pictures of the ultra sound so he could show them off to the people at his work :-).  I was glad that he was so happy and excited, and I felt really bad that I wasn't happy and excited with him.  I should have been and I wasn't :-(.  BUT WHY???  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??? 

I know I'll cheer up soon.  This is precious, and I love it.  I want it.  Everything is going well.  It couldn't go better!  When I do cheer up, I'll probably be so excited and happy and in love that I won't be able to contain it :-).


***ULTRASOUND PICTURES***

This is baby crotch.  The arrow is pointing to what Dr. King thought was a penis.  The bright white stripe below the arrow is the thigh bone.

Girls who have recently had baby boys and remember their ultrasounds, does this look like a baby boy to you?

Another baby crotch shot...

Baby boy?


Now, this is the picture that threw my doc. off.  The arrow is pointing at what might be a baby penis, BUT to the left of it are the three white stripes of the umbilical cord.  So, is the arrow pointing to a penis or the umbilical cord between baby's legs?  uh oh!

This is baby's bent elbow and hand.

This is the side of baby's face (left) and spine

Baby's face

Another of Baby's face

Foot


Wellp, that's all I got!
Love,
Jess