Future Jazz Lover?

Today I was listening to music on my laptop with the speakers resting right against my belly, which I do quite often because it is comfortable.  I have never thought about playing music for the baby, or the possibility that he is hearing what I am playing.  Well, today I was listening to Vince Guaraldi and I got a HUGE response from Mr. Baby in my belly.  He started sumersaulting and kicking all over the place, ESPECIALLY during the song "Christmas is Coming" from the Charlie Brown Christmas movie.

I decided to expirament a little, and played some other music.  No response.  Then I played Guaraldi again-- LOTS of kicks.  I turned off the music for a while.  No response.  I played some softer Guraldi songs and the baby started moving around a little.  Then I played "Christmas is Coming" and he went crazy with the kicking, haha :-).

Maybe he will end up being a jazz lover?  Hmmm?  I guess we'll find out one day! 

Baby and Thanksgiving

1) Baby Update
Warning: This is kinda personal, and maybe graphic, depending on what your "gross-out" threshold is.

On Sunday I celebrated Thanksgiving with my family and a few close friends.  Let me just say, first, that it was a FANTASTIC day!  But, I bled again (fourth time), and was having a lot of watery discharge, which was the scariest thing (mucus plug could have popped= BAD).  Luckily, my best friend's mother was there and she has been a Labor and Delivery nurse for over 20 years.  I'm real thankful for that, even though there was no room for modesty!  She checked things out, explained a lot of stuff to me, and really helped a LOT.  Anyways, I went to go see Dr. King on Monday to try to get to the bottom of all this bleeding, and I endured a lot of EXTREMELY painful cervix examinations.  OOOOH MY GOSH- OUCH OUCH OUCH! (Three different examinations.  Yeah- NOT fun.)  It turns out she is pretty sure that the bleeding is not coming from my placenta at all, that it is actually coming from my cervix, which she called "friable", which kind of means "brittle"...  it's raw and bleeds easily :-(.  This is actually good news because it means the bleeding is something I don't really have to worry about anymore.  No more emergency hopital/doctor visits! yay!  Bad news= No more sex during pregnancy- BOO, haha.  Of course, I'd rather deal with that than a risky pregnancy!

This is a completely candid picture of Ben, me, and Jamie that my mother took when we were at my baby checkup.  I love it because this is pretty much how James interacts with my baby at all times.  If it were any other person it would bug the crap outta me, but she is *SO* cute- she is constantly rubbing and baby talking and feeling for kicks, and when it's her it makes me feel good because I know she's doing it 'cause she loves me :-).  She is excited to be Aunt Jamie.


2) Thanksgiving

WOW, what a GREAT day!  Hummis(sp?) and pretzels, Turkey, cranberry salad, green bean casserole, corn casserole, broccli and cheese, marshmallow sweet potatos, mashed potatos and gravy, stuffing, church potatos, devilled eggs, rolls and butter, *deep breath*, pumpkin pie, whipped cheesecake, chocolate swirl cheesecake, cherry pie, raspberry chocolate pie, and ...I really feel like I am forgetting something.
(I just really randomly felt the need to express the fact that I am the world's most horrible speller.  This is not news, it's a known fact.  Of course I don't take advantage of the spell check feature, go figure, but I probably spelled all of those foods wrong.)


Anyways- We couldn't stop laughing the whole day.  My stomache hurt from laughing before I even started eating.  My mother had us write 5 things we were thankful for on 5 strips of paper and toss them in the basket.  We each chose 5 at random from the basket to read at the table, and then we all guessed who wrote each one.  It turned out to be quite humorous and fun!  The strips were taped, stapled, and turned into a garland by Matt and Jessi.

After the meal I had another bleeding episode.  I already went into that.  Afterwards we relaxed and talked a little before eating dessert...  That's when Jamie said something that really stuck in my mind and made me think.  She just looked around, so content, and said, "I LOVE this.  I love that everyone is here and together.  I just miss my sister."  It made me realize how I often take it for granted when my family is all together, healthy,  having a good time, and loving eachother.  I'm spoiled- I get it a lot.  I also realized how much I have my mother to thank for that.  Really and truely, if it weren't for her, Thanksgiving wouldn't have been nearly what it was.  She brought 2 families together as one and hosted a really wonderful day.  And she does that ALL the time-- she can turn ANY event into a holiday or an excuse to bring people together like family.  She's always planning, decorating, cooking, inviting, and making things enjoyable.  I really, really appreciate her and I don't tell her enough.  (Other than, I DO call her "The Food Woman", but I'm not sure that gets the point across.)

Well anyways, after we ate dessert Jessie (Jamie's sister) DID get to join us finally, and we played games- "Apples to Apples" and "Catchphrase".

...I could write more but I am hungry!
Charlie Brown Christmas story is on tonight at 8.
:-)
I freakin love that!

ForeverLove

Oh, Baby!

Thanksgiving with the Ellwood family was really good :).
Baby and I had an adventure today.  First, we had cheesecake, which is an adventure in itself.  And we got to take a trip to Labor and Delivery at the hospital in Dover, Ohio. 
I was bleeding (again, for the third time in 5 weeks).
I wasn't having contractions.
Baby is ok- good heart rate, healthy fetal movement.
"They" keep saying it's probably placental damage that heals itself, and to watch it carefully and come back immediately if it happens again, or if I feel any tightening in my uterus.
*????*  It's just kinda frusterating.  Every 2 weeks I am bleeding (which they tell me is not normal), I HAVE had tightening in my uterus (which they tell me is not good at this stage) and yet everytime I go to get checked everything is A-OK  and they don't know what causes the placenta damage or whatever it is.  grrr.  I'm GLAD everything is ok-  it's just that I don't want to keep making emergency trips to the hospital every several days for unexplained bleeding, just to hear that it is unexplainable!  ...ya know?
Also, I had a sinus headache ALL day (literally, since I woke up at 7:30.  It hasn't gone away), which is also frusterating because I've been taking Amoxacillon for DAYS for a freakin sinus infection.  WHY won't it go AWAY? :-(  It makes me so grumpy.

...these are very small frustrations.  And I am THANKFUL for that! :-)  I have NO big worries.  I am in need of nothing.  I want for nothing.  The baby is good.  I'll kick this sinus problem- (I'll put up a fight and knock it out, I'm not kidding.  I've lived with it for 13-15 weeks and I'll do whatever it takes to make is STOP! ugh.)  I am alive and healthy (well, generally, haha).  My family is alive and healhy.  I have a warm apartment and a cozy bed to sleep in.  As a matter of fact, I am real thankful for that right now because I am about to pass out.

Night.

Tgiving

I am so freakin excited for Thanksgiving!  OOOH I love this time of year!
Thursday: I get to go to Dover, Ohio to have Thanksgiving with the whole Ellwood family.  I see my bro-in-law, Daniel, for the first time since he left for Norwich University in Aug.  Him and the extended fam will see me prego for the first time.  (well, NOTICABLY prego.)
Sunday: Thanksgiving dinner with the Sanders' family!!!  (+ Jamie and Stephan, Deb and her doggies, and maybe Jessie)  I LOVEloveLOVE Thanksgiving with my family.  LOVE IT!  ...one of my most favoritest days of the whole entire year!  mmmmmmmm!
...I don't even like turkey.  I never eat turkey on Thanksgiving.  But I would absolutely die without my mother's creamy stuffing and marshmallow sweet potatos and whatever desert she decides to make.

This time last year I wanted a baby SO BAD.  Children make this time of year SO much more magical.  Since my youngest brother turned into more of a teenager than a kid I have really missed children being around during the holidays.  Even though baby is still in my belly, I already feel like things are more special.  I just get this major jolt of excitement when I think about sharing times like this with him when he is OUTSIDE of my belly :).  Man, I really can't wait!
...well, inside of my belly or out, baby is still in for a treat indeed, and I am ready for lotsa baby kicks!


FIVE MONTH PREGNANT BELLY PICTURES ON MY MYSPACE!!!!  :-)

for hurricanes have, the bluest eyes I've ever seen.

"I am pining for your mercy,
for this storm to break,
Lord you are my comfort,
the hope for which I wait."

LiveJournal,
Life is mostly back to "normal" since the "hurricane". 
I'm not even gunna lie- It feels SO GOOD!
Everything is much more relaxed, and altogether more happy.  My family is getting along GREAT.  ...No more sitting around and worrying.  ...Much less tension in the air.  I am much less naive, haha!-- Ignorance is bliss, but also reckless.  I made a reckless, naive decision, and I learned a ginormous lesson.  And NO, the lesson I learned was NOT that no one can be trusted.  There are many beautiful and trustworthy people out there.  The lesson I learned was to KNOW a person before I trust them (and confide in them).
Anyways, there are still some loose ends I'd really like to tie up.  I don't know when or how, but it'll happen.  SO much has happened so far.  I thought I'd have to wait and be patient FOREVER, but I MADE the decision to give it to the Lord and wait patiently, and he worked faster than I expected.  I consider it a miracle, really.  I mean, I felt like I was flat on the ground with my face in the mud and that it would be impossible to stand and see the sunlight again.  I felt absolutely betrayed and stomped on and attacked and utterly heartbroken.  Then, within a matter of days I felt such a gracious peace and comfort, and a beautiful love.  Wow!- Only God!  ...My heart still drops a little when I think about the biggest victim, but I am beginning to have more confidence in his strength.

I've started dreaming and planning for a future that would best benefit my family (baby, Ben, and I).  I have this fantastic degree that is mostly useless without a few finishing touches (called a GENERALIST ENDORSEMENT).  Before baby came into my life my plan was to finish my endorsement and my MA, then find a full time teaching position.  BUT, now I'd like to find a job in my field (preferably tutoring this summer and substituting in the fall) just until I can knock out this stinkin' endorsement, and then apply for full time teaching positions before the end of next school year.  If all goes as planned, I'll have secured a good job by fall of 2009, and then I'll start working on my MA during the summers.  I feel REALLY good about those plans :-D.  It feels good to feel good!

FRIENDS
I've also been thinking about friends, and how I am absolutely, bottom line, the most BLESSED girl in the entire, whole world.  I only have a handful of close friends, and I've never felt the need to have more.  As a matter of fact, it is actually a struggle for me to come up with the time and energy (and interest) it takes to make new friends and be close to them.  I think that's because I am SO fulfilled with who I have- I'd rather dedicate all my time to them.   There is a time and a place for new friends- I'm definitely not closed off to the idea.  I'm just not out searching for it.

My friends are beautiful.  I am proud of them.  SO proud.  I want all of the best things in the world for them, and they want the same for me.  I can run to them any time of any day, for any reason, and they don't need to say a word- I know they love me, and I love them.  They are my refuge from drama, and the world's judgement.  They REALLY KNOW me- I don't hide any part of me, I trust them so much.  *THANK YOU, GOD.  Why have you found me worthy of such a blessing?  It is so hard to come by, and I have it for LIFE.  Whatever the reason, thank you.  I'll hold your gift so close to my heart and take care of it always.  This friendship is really something worth taking good care of :-)*

I'm out for today!
ForeverLove,
Jess

PS- The famous picture of the baby grabbing the doc's hand is of a 21-week old fetus, the same age as mine is now :-).

Edgar Allen Poe's last words were, "Lord, help my poor soul".

21 weeks pregnant today.  I am in sooo much pain.  Feet, legs, back.  ouch.
I keep thinking really really silly thoughts.
Today's silly thought: "I've got to stop saying that under my breath.  The baby can hear me now."
Haha.
.....wow.


I crave Wendy's.  Oh well.  At least it's cheap.

I need to take 5 month pictures.


My parents are seeing the Blue Men Group at Nationwide tonight.  I'm jelous.  I love them!

This is why I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT THE DEATH PENALTY IS JUST:

 Damien Echols, 19 years old                                             Damien Echols, 30 years old

Damien Echols was convicted of the murders of three eight year old boys in 1994, and sentenced to death.  There has been no evidence found to directly link him to the crime, other than the testimonials of two people, who both recanted their testimonies claiming they were coerced by police investigators.  One of them, Vicki Hutchinson, said that  "the police had insinuated if she did not cooperate with them they would take away her child, and that she implicated Echols to avoid facing criminal charges, and to gain a reward for the discovery of the murders."

John Mark Byers, adoptive father of one of the eight year old victims, gave a knife to a camera man filming a documentary of the murder case.  The camera man discovered blood on the knife and turned it into the West Memphis police, who found that the blood matched both John Mark Byers' and his adopted son's blood type.

Bite marks were discovered on the victims.  Echols submitted imprints of his teeth, but a match was not made.  John Mark Byers had his teeth removed after the first trial, never offering a consistant reason for their removal.

In 2007, "a hair from Terry Hobbs, stepfather to Stevie Branch, one of the eight year old victims, was found tied into the knots used to bind the victims."   Pamela Hobbs, Stevie Branch's mother, "has come out in favor of a retrial and says she believes her ex-husband may have committed the crime."

John  Mark Byers also claims he now believes Damien Echols is innocent, and is in favor of further investigation and a retrial.




OTHER FACTS ABOUT THE DEATH PENALTY

It costs far more to execute a person than to keep him or her in prison for life.

States without the death penalty have much lower murder rates. The South accounts for 80% of US executions and has the highest regional murder rate.

One in twenty death row inmates is later found not guilty.

Newly-available DNA evidence has allowed the exoneration of more than one person per year since 1992 in the U.S., but DNA evidence is only available in a fraction of capital cases.


A CHRISTIAN PERSPECTIVE

It seems that it is a pretty common Christian belief that the death penalty is just.  I didn't research statistics (although I should for curiosity's sake), but I figure it's common knowledge that a vast majority of Christians consider themselves conservatives (republicans), and another vast majority of republicans are for the death penalty.

However, as a follower of Jesus Christ, I do NOT believe he advocated the death penalty.  As a matter of fact, Jesus himself was executed UNJUSTLY, was he not?

In Jesus's day, adultery was punishable by death according to the Jewish law.  When an adultress was caught IN THE ACT and brought to Jesus, he told the people that only those without sin could cast the first stone.  He actually put a stop to a lawful execution!

Jesus, in his serman on the mount, said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, do not resist one who is evil. But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also; if anyone would sue you and take your coat, let him have your cloak as well; and if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.” [Mt. 5:38-41]  According to biblical, historical scholars, the old testament "eye for an eye" principle was not meant to be taken literally.  It simply meant that the law was to provide equitable retaliation for an offended party, and is often interpretted to mean equivalent monetary compensation.  Scholars believe that Jesus was not critisizing the Jewish law, but he was calling his followers to seek forgiveness and love, even when they had a just claim to vengeance. 

Jesus also said, “You have heard that it was said to the men of old, ‘You shall not kill; and whoever kills shall be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that every one who is angry with his brother shall be liable to judgment.” [Mt. 5:21-f.]




........I just found out that DNA evidence was found that could set Damien Echols in the clear, so I thought I'd throw all that out there.  I can't imagine innocently living on death row for 13 years!  wow.  My mind just can't wrap around how people can think that in our corrupt society the death penalty is just.  OH, and also- the other boy who testified against Damian Echols had such a low IQ he was considered mentally retarded.  I researched several cases in which mentally retarded people were interrogated, and they confessed to comitting crimes they were later found to be innocent of.  I watched a video of a mentally retarded man who was convicted of murdering a woman when he was 16, and died by lethal injection when he was 35.  That was 19 years of our tax dollars paying for appeal after appeal.  It would have been cheaper for us (tax paying citizens) had he just spent the rest of his life in prison.

What the frick is wrong with me?

Today should have been a fantastic day, but I was miserible.

Possible Causes: Depression*Hormones*Lack of Sleep*Anxiety

I woke up at 7 this morning to get ready for my ultrasound.  I was so excited I could barely sleep last night!  In the waiting room at the doc's office I suddenly felt this complete, depressing lack of interest., and then I started getting nervous and had the urge to run out of the office, and deny that I had an appointment, or that there was a baby in my belly, or that it was the ultrasound day that I have been OH SO EXCITED for for the past TWO freaking MONTHS!  I have NO clue why these feelings SUDDENLY crept over me.

They finally took me back to the ultrasound room, gelled my belly up, layed me back, turned on the screen etc., and I actually had to MAKE myself LOOK at the screen.  I wanted to look away and pretend like nothing was happening-- get it done and over with, then go home.

The baby was healthy.  Dr. King checked the brain, arms, legs, heart, spinal cord, placenta, cervix, etc.  Everything looked good.  We got a print out of the baby's face, profile, hand, foot, crotchal region, and spinal cord.  She had some trouble telling what the gender was, due to his crossed legs, but she was really leaning towards it being a BOY.  She saw something that may have looked like a girl once, but then saw other things that made her lean more towards it being a boy.  I asked her how sure she was, but she wouldn't tell me.  (I wonder if people have yelled at her before for being wrong?)  She told me, "Let's just say, don't paint your walls pink or blue.  Stick to beige.  Beige is a safe color.  And keep the tags on anything you buy."  Despite what she said, I'm fairly certain she was atleast a little confident that it was a boy, because she gave me FOUR ultrasound pictures of what looks like a little penis (or a "turtle" as she called it) and she didn't print out any of the pics that made it look like a girl.  I think she was just trying to be safe, but I am really fairly confident that it is a boy.  ...but there is ALWAYS that chance I am wrong, so I am definitely going to stick to neutral things!

***NOTE TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE HAD BABY BOYS: I am going to post ultrasound pics of baby crotch.  Please take a look at them and let me know if they look anything like the baby boy pictures you got, ok?***

ANYWAYS-- After the ultrasound I broke down.  I threw a fit and told my momma to take me home, and I sat in her car and balled my eyes out.  I started thinking all of these AWFUL, UNTRUE, IRRATIONAL thoughts like: "why did I ever want a baby?  I just want to go home and live my own life.  I don't like this anymore, I just want it all to be over."  Those thoughts lasted a whole 2 seconds before I IMMEDIATELY felt extremely guilty and realized that I DID want the baby and I didn't mean any of it.  I felt SO horrible for thinking those things, even if just for a split second.  I actually appologized to the baby, as if he knew what was going on, lol.  My God, though, I felt SO guilty!  I LOVE this baby, and I've been TERRIFIED of ANYTHING that could possibly go wrong.  I just was so SAD, and had no idea WHY. 

...then Ben called in the middle of my pity fest and got really upset.  He said, "Jessica!  You should NOT be upset right now!  We just saw amazing US footage of OUR baby moving and kicking inside of you!  He's healthy, and you should be thankful and excited!"  You'll never guess the pathetic response I came up with!  I started crying even harder and said, "You're right.  I'm selfish and pathetic.  I'm not cut out to be a mother.  I'm a horrible mother."  Ben told me I just needed more sleep, which is more than likely true.  Then he asked me to please send him pictures of the ultra sound so he could show them off to the people at his work :-).  I was glad that he was so happy and excited, and I felt really bad that I wasn't happy and excited with him.  I should have been and I wasn't :-(.  BUT WHY???  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??? 

I know I'll cheer up soon.  This is precious, and I love it.  I want it.  Everything is going well.  It couldn't go better!  When I do cheer up, I'll probably be so excited and happy and in love that I won't be able to contain it :-).


***ULTRASOUND PICTURES***

This is baby crotch.  The arrow is pointing to what Dr. King thought was a penis.  The bright white stripe below the arrow is the thigh bone.

Girls who have recently had baby boys and remember their ultrasounds, does this look like a baby boy to you?

Another baby crotch shot...

Baby boy?


Now, this is the picture that threw my doc. off.  The arrow is pointing at what might be a baby penis, BUT to the left of it are the three white stripes of the umbilical cord.  So, is the arrow pointing to a penis or the umbilical cord between baby's legs?  uh oh!

This is baby's bent elbow and hand.

This is the side of baby's face (left) and spine

Baby's face

Another of Baby's face

Foot


Wellp, that's all I got!
Love,
Jess

Journaling and Pregnancy

I love to blog.  I love to journal.  I have a box packed full of handwritten journals I have filled up...  :-) 
Also, I really enjoyed Xanga before I decided to go with MySpace instead, because it was all about the blogging.
Sooo...  I decided to give LiveJournal a try!

TWENTY WEEKS PREGNANT and the aches and pains have begun!  My lower back hurts constantly (because of the extra weight all out in front, maybe?) and I've started to have these sharp pains that run down my thigh- it hurts to walk!  People have been telling me it's pregnancy related.

20 Week Fetus:
He's about 6 and a half inches long, crown to rump, according to internet research.
He kicks me ALL THE TIME!  Every time I am lying still he kicks around in there.  This is so comforting, although, since he moves around so much I actually start to get worried when a few minutes go by and I haven't felt him.
On Friday night he was kicking really hard, and I thought that just MAYBE I'd be able to feel it with my hand.  I laid flat on my back for several minutes with my hands on my abdomen, and YUP!-- He kicked my hands and I FELT IT!  :-D.  It was so amazing!

ULTRASOUND ON MONDAY!!!!!!!  I really, really, REALLY hope they can find out the gender.  If it's a girl I'm going to have to get used to NOT saying "he".  After about 16 weeks of saying "he", "she" is going to be so weird, though.  ...I'll get used to it.

I love it when random people you've never met look at you and tell you what you are having.  The other day this cute little (French?) lady came into the store where I work and told me (in her cute little accent) that I was having a girl because my face was puffy.  HAHA- Thanks a LOT lady-now I know it's obvious to strangers who've never seen me before that my face is swollen!  Plus, I've never heard of a correlation between swollen faces and baby girls.

THINGS THAT ARE NOT FUN  ABOUT PREGNANCY:
1) headaches.  yuck.
2) I eat TWO jr. bacon cheeseburgers and a Caesar side salad from Wendy's and am still starving
3) I will randomly gag and loose my appetite in the middle of meals
4) the aches and pains, of course
5) worrying.  all the time.  'Is he healthy?  Am I lifting too much?  Is my shower too hot?  Why isn't he moving?'
6) My  balance has been completely thrown off.  I was a clutz before and now I am super clutz.  My drinks end up on my shirt and I trip over air. 
7) I walk SO FRIGGIN SLOW.  I feel like a slug.
8) air-headedness.  seriously.  I will look for something that is right in front of my face and won't be able to find it.  I've always been a ditz but it is worse now.  And, yes- this IS a pregnancy symptom.  Not sure why, but it is.  I'm not just blaming it on pregnancy; it's a really real symptom.

I gotta get ready for church!
-Jess