What the frick is wrong with me?

Today should have been a fantastic day, but I was miserible.

Possible Causes: Depression*Hormones*Lack of Sleep*Anxiety

I woke up at 7 this morning to get ready for my ultrasound.  I was so excited I could barely sleep last night!  In the waiting room at the doc's office I suddenly felt this complete, depressing lack of interest., and then I started getting nervous and had the urge to run out of the office, and deny that I had an appointment, or that there was a baby in my belly, or that it was the ultrasound day that I have been OH SO EXCITED for for the past TWO freaking MONTHS!  I have NO clue why these feelings SUDDENLY crept over me.

They finally took me back to the ultrasound room, gelled my belly up, layed me back, turned on the screen etc., and I actually had to MAKE myself LOOK at the screen.  I wanted to look away and pretend like nothing was happening-- get it done and over with, then go home.

The baby was healthy.  Dr. King checked the brain, arms, legs, heart, spinal cord, placenta, cervix, etc.  Everything looked good.  We got a print out of the baby's face, profile, hand, foot, crotchal region, and spinal cord.  She had some trouble telling what the gender was, due to his crossed legs, but she was really leaning towards it being a BOY.  She saw something that may have looked like a girl once, but then saw other things that made her lean more towards it being a boy.  I asked her how sure she was, but she wouldn't tell me.  (I wonder if people have yelled at her before for being wrong?)  She told me, "Let's just say, don't paint your walls pink or blue.  Stick to beige.  Beige is a safe color.  And keep the tags on anything you buy."  Despite what she said, I'm fairly certain she was atleast a little confident that it was a boy, because she gave me FOUR ultrasound pictures of what looks like a little penis (or a "turtle" as she called it) and she didn't print out any of the pics that made it look like a girl.  I think she was just trying to be safe, but I am really fairly confident that it is a boy.  ...but there is ALWAYS that chance I am wrong, so I am definitely going to stick to neutral things!

***NOTE TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE HAD BABY BOYS: I am going to post ultrasound pics of baby crotch.  Please take a look at them and let me know if they look anything like the baby boy pictures you got, ok?***

ANYWAYS-- After the ultrasound I broke down.  I threw a fit and told my momma to take me home, and I sat in her car and balled my eyes out.  I started thinking all of these AWFUL, UNTRUE, IRRATIONAL thoughts like: "why did I ever want a baby?  I just want to go home and live my own life.  I don't like this anymore, I just want it all to be over."  Those thoughts lasted a whole 2 seconds before I IMMEDIATELY felt extremely guilty and realized that I DID want the baby and I didn't mean any of it.  I felt SO horrible for thinking those things, even if just for a split second.  I actually appologized to the baby, as if he knew what was going on, lol.  My God, though, I felt SO guilty!  I LOVE this baby, and I've been TERRIFIED of ANYTHING that could possibly go wrong.  I just was so SAD, and had no idea WHY. 

...then Ben called in the middle of my pity fest and got really upset.  He said, "Jessica!  You should NOT be upset right now!  We just saw amazing US footage of OUR baby moving and kicking inside of you!  He's healthy, and you should be thankful and excited!"  You'll never guess the pathetic response I came up with!  I started crying even harder and said, "You're right.  I'm selfish and pathetic.  I'm not cut out to be a mother.  I'm a horrible mother."  Ben told me I just needed more sleep, which is more than likely true.  Then he asked me to please send him pictures of the ultra sound so he could show them off to the people at his work :-).  I was glad that he was so happy and excited, and I felt really bad that I wasn't happy and excited with him.  I should have been and I wasn't :-(.  BUT WHY???  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??? 

I know I'll cheer up soon.  This is precious, and I love it.  I want it.  Everything is going well.  It couldn't go better!  When I do cheer up, I'll probably be so excited and happy and in love that I won't be able to contain it :-).


***ULTRASOUND PICTURES***

This is baby crotch.  The arrow is pointing to what Dr. King thought was a penis.  The bright white stripe below the arrow is the thigh bone.

Girls who have recently had baby boys and remember their ultrasounds, does this look like a baby boy to you?

Another baby crotch shot...

Baby boy?


Now, this is the picture that threw my doc. off.  The arrow is pointing at what might be a baby penis, BUT to the left of it are the three white stripes of the umbilical cord.  So, is the arrow pointing to a penis or the umbilical cord between baby's legs?  uh oh!

This is baby's bent elbow and hand.

This is the side of baby's face (left) and spine

Baby's face

Another of Baby's face

Foot


Wellp, that's all I got!
Love,
Jess