WANTED: Stinky College Kids and Large Dog

Adry presses his foot really hard against my tummy and leaves it there for several seconds.
My stomach looks totally deformed when he does it...
and it feels kinda weird, too.
I also had a dream last night that he was kicking at the bottom of my ribcage and it hurt.
I wonder if he was doing that in real life and I just didn't wake up?
O, that Adry!

I got nervous for the first time the other day about being a mom.
I wasn't necessarily nervous about raising a child
as much as being responsible for a completely helpless and fragile life.

In other news:
I've fallen back into my horrible habit of falling asleep at 1am and then waking up about 4 hours later to get ready for bed.
(Hence the 5:25am LJ post.)
I hate when that happens,
it's just that when I get sleepy I get REALLY sleepy and pass out.

AND
Detectives were watching my apartment complex all day today
(err, yesterday that is).
I know this because when I walked outside at 1:20p there were three similar SUVs parked in the middle of the parking lot facing my side of the court.  In each SUV there was one man in the diver's seat with the window rolled down.
At 2:00p they were still there.
I thought to myself,  'hm, that's suspicious'
so I called Ben and he said there was a guy in an SUV when he left for work at 10:30a.
I decided to call the apartment complex office.
They put me on hold twice.
Finally, a man picked up and told me that the gentleman in the SUV was a police officer
and that he was wrapping up an investigation from an arrest he made earlier.
...Not too long ago (a month or two maybe) Ben and I had these neighbors downstairs.
We thought they were just some dumb college kids that always blared music and smoked pot.
We smelled it.  A lot.
There were also people going in and out of the apartment all day,
so we just supposed they were doing a little more than smoking.
In a matter of weeks they got busted (we thought for obvious reasons)--
Ben came home to cop cars all over the place and police officers dragging their big dog into custody (? lol).
I wonder if THAT'S the arrest that is still being investigated?
If so, those guys must have been into some serious stuff seeing as how it is still being investigated months later!
GEESH!
And in the end it makes me wonder:
Why was their dog arrested?
lol

Jessica [n. jes.i.kuh]:

My name is Jessica LeAnne (Sanders) Ellwood.

 

I believe in God.

I believe he created the universe and everything in it.

I believe he created man, and gave man the god-like ability to create.

I believe in free will.

 

I believe in worship,

And that worship is a daily decision to recognize and obey God.

 

I believe in Heaven and Hell,

That Heaven is an eternity in God’s presence

And Hell is simply eternity in his absence.

I can’t wrap my mind around a fire and brimstone Hell of eternal torture.

I just don’t buy it.

 

I am a Christian.

I believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God, that he died for my sins, and that he rose again in the third day.

 

I guess I could also be considered a Heretic.

I believe in evolution, or at least in its possibility.

I do not believe in a 7 day creation.

I believe the Earth is millions of years old, or at least I am very convinced!

I’m not sure I believe in a worldwide flood,

And I believe in the possibility of the extra terrestrial, or life on other planets.

 

I believe in the church,

That it is the body of Christ

And that it is worldwide and should be completely unified.

 

But I also understand the necessity of denomination-

To define a set of acceptable beliefs and practices

Because too many non-denominational churches divide and crumble over disagreements concerning biblical interpretation.

 

I am a Strait Edge girl.

I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. I don’t have sex outside of marriage.

However,

I think weed should be legalized. 

And to be completely honest

If it were, I would have to do some major thinking about whether its something I would do or not

Because it would probably work 10x better than Xanex and is better than being on the verge of suicide.

 

Which brings me to Depression.

An old friend.

I am familiar with him, and he with me, and I’m okay with that.

 

But Anxiety is a different story.

I hate anxiety.

It effects my life every day

And I would do anything to destroy it.

 

I believe in God’s loving grace.

It is sufficient.

At times it is far more.

I lay my burdens at his feet and he carries them for me.

Sometimes he carries me.

I owe my life to grace.

 

I am…

Defiant to the bone.

Strong willed.

Short tempered.

And often unmotivated.

 

I am not…

A positive thinker

A people-pleaser

A peace keeper

 

I…

Love.

Forgive.

Try to understand perspectives and motivations.

Admit when I am wrong and will be the first to apologize.

Do NOT expect people to live by what I believe unless they claim to believe

And do NOT judge the lifestyles of those who do not believe.

 

I HATE…

Holding grudges, even when it is so hard to let it go.

Being misunderstood without being given the chance to explain myself.

Self-indulgence, self-centeredness, self-rightousness, self-worship.

Arrogance.

 

I LOVE…

FAMILY.

Purity.

Beauty.

Truth.

Passion.

Community.

Peace.

 

I like…

Photographs/ photography-

(I’m no good at it but I sure do appreciate it).

Clothes, jewelry, hair, and other girly things.

Ohio and all four weather seasons.

Lakes, boating, trees, picnics, and flowers.

Novels.

Reflective writing.

Letters.

Movies.

Romance.

Home.

 

I aspire to be…

A lifelong learner.

A lifelong friend.

A flexible, open-minded educator who cares and makes a difference.

A supportive and loving daughter and sister who can always be counted on.

A forever faithful, encouraging, understanding, and affectionately loving wife.

A good, righteous, adoring, unconditionally loving mother who raises godly children,

And a dedicated disciple of God- always surrendering, always loving, always trusting, always obeying.

 

Well, that's ME!

I just went to take a drink of lemonade and completely missed my mouth.  I was a few centimeters shy.
Isn't that supposed to be something humans instinctively know how to do?
Aren't our hands and brain supposed to be coordinated in such a way that we can drink without looking at or feeling our mouths to make sure we are hitting the right spot?
Apparently I am dysfunctional.

Also, it is January 21st (my MOM'S BIRTHDAY, BTW!!-- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOMMA!!!!) and I still have my Christmas decorations up.  Talk about being lazy and procrastinating!  I promised myself I would get that done today.

"And now for something completely different:"

I've been thinking lately that there are areas in my life I need to shape up. prune. refine. whatever.
1) I recently noticed I am in a spiritual rut.  Big time.  I'm walking into a glass door over and over and it's getting me nowhere.  I am BORED.  I am bored as heck with church.  I can't stand to wake up and go anymore (but I do).  I am even bored with reading my daily William Barclay.  I LOVE Barclay, but I've been skipping out on him a lot, lately.  I am bored with praying- I feel like me and God are at that stage where we are an old couple completely used to each other, but we try to set a date at a nice restaurant to spend time together and we just end up sitting there in silence because there just isn't much to say.
I need REVIVAL!!!

"I concede, my love, that I need your love
I'm before you, a broken man.
And it's only you, no substitutes, who can renew this soul again...
I'd rather burn for you than fade away,
I'd rather burn for you than go my way."
-Toby Mac

2) I need to STOP WORRYING! 
I think way too much about what has gone wrong and what could go wrong.

3) I need to FORGIVE MYSELF! 
I blame myself for a LOT.
I am afraid that if there is anything wrong with Adry I will blame myself for the rest of my life.
I will blame myself for not eating the best I could,
or for not going to the dentist or the Gastro Paresis specialist on time,
or for not controlling my blood sugar well enough,
or for forgetting my vitamins sometimes,
or for playing music too loud,
or taking too hot of showers,
or breathing too many cleaning chemicals,
or laying on my back and right side too often,
for not exercising,
or for dying my hair,
or for a THOUSAND other things I could have done better during pregnancy.

And yeah, maybe I could have done better.  Maybe I could have been more careful sometimes.  But I need to LET IT GO!  The past is the past and there's NOTHING I can change about it.  I can only move forward.  Of course I want everything PERFECT for Adry.  Of course I want him COMPLETELY healthy from head to toe.  Chances are, he'll be a perfectly happy and healthy baby boy, but if something happens to be "wrong" I know I'll have the strength to deal with it, tackle it one day at a time, and he'll still be by beautiful son NO MATTER WHAT and I need to find peace, faith, and assurance in that.
And, if anything happens to be "wrong", I so desperately need to not blame myself.
Let go. Move on. Grow. Strengthen. Seek beauty, faith, peace.

I need to focus on:
a REAL beauty,
a DEEPER truth,
an ACTIVE love,
what's REAL,
what's RIGHT,
and what's IMPORTANT.

So... I know what I need to do.
Now I just need to do it.

LoveJess

Big Boys need Big Bellies

O, how Adry has grown!

^Current. 7 Months Pregnant

Jacob Stinks

Hahahaha.  I just found this video on my computer.  It's obviously from a while ago...  I'd never seen it before and had no clue I had it.

This is what Jacob does when he is bored:


YEP!  That's my little brother! :-)

Dear Adry, have you considered speeding up this growing and developing process? Please do.

They weren't lyin' when they said the second trimester is the pregnancy honeymoon!
I'm not sure I fully appreciated the second trimester until I graduated to the third a few weeks ago.

1) My mood swings are back with a vengeance!  People annoy me.  I feel like:  I just want to be left alone; It's Me and Adry vs. The World; No one understands.  Oh, and don't mind my sudden and frequent bursts of self-pity tears.

2) My upset stomache is back.  I find myself hovering over a toilet/trashcan every few days and gagging my meals down one bite at a time.  The saltine crackers have once again taken up residence on the headboard of my bed.

3) Frequent urination.  'nuf said.

4) Stretch marks.  everywhere.  I get depressed about my body sometimes.  It used to not bother me, but now it is starting to.  I don't like what I see in the mirror anymore-- any part of it. Not my face or the fat under my chin or my sausage hands or the stretch marks on my knees, thighs, hips, underbelly, and even boobs!  When Ben and I first got married I was at my ideal weight for my shape and size-- about 105 pounds, size 1 or 2 pants.  This was actually about 10 pounds heavier than I was in High School, but I enjoyed fitting into adult sized clothing, lol.  In the two and a half years that Ben and I were married BEFORE I got pregnant I gained like 35 pounds (I know- WOW!  I blame Ben- I acquired his horrible eating habbits ;-), so I was already too big.  I at least had the hope, though, that I could shed the pounds and get back to my little 100 pound self-- I started HxC dieting and excercising and was doing really well until I got pregnant.  Now, 7 months and 20 pounds later I weigh 160 and am feeling pretty down about it.  Stretch marks are an ugly, ugly reminder. 

5) ...and then there's everything else including sleepless nights of tossing and turning, horrible back pain and body aches, diabetes of course, worrying, breathing problems etc. etc.

Oh, second trimester, I miss you!

I will post 7 month pictures soon-- in a much happier post :)

So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish

Adry and I can interact now.  We do, but in simple ways.  He feels me, and I feel him.

He can feel it when I put pressure on my tummy.  When I sit with my arms crossed on my belly, he rubs his feet across my arm several times until I take it away.  When I put fetal moniters on my belly he kicks right at them.  He also kicks my hand when I push down on my belly.  Sometimes he'll push his foot against my stomache so hard I can actually feel the shape and size of it!  If I rub his little foot with my finger he'll leave it there until I stop!

OH MY GOSH can I really wait 10 whole weeks to meet him?  I WANT HIM NOW!  Plus, he is already so heavy.  I feel like someone put a couple of bricks in me and I am lugging them around.

Hadrian died today.  What a shame.  No more stinky fish.  He'd been lazying around at the bottom of his bowl for days- I knew the end was near.  Benny was actually upset, that sap (hehe).  It's probably just because the guilt from his brutal fish murdering past is eating at him.  He did, afterall, flush Vladimir down the toilet alive a couple of years ago when we were going on vacation!  At least Francois and Hadrian we able to die peacefully and naturally.

I've completely run out of wearable shoes.  There are TWO pairs of footwear I can still fit into: my polkadot boots and some house slippers.  Obviously, neither are appropriate to wear to work, so today I squished my feet into an old pair of black dress shoes and now my feet are bruised!  I haven't decided if it's because my feet are swollen or if they've just grown due to the ligaments stretching.  (Pregnancy hormones soften your ligaments and makes them stretchy to prepare your body for the birthing process.)  I really hope it's the latter.

Anyway, I'm gettin' offa here.  My back hurts!
ForeverLove