I just went to take a drink of lemonade and completely missed my mouth.  I was a few centimeters shy.
Isn't that supposed to be something humans instinctively know how to do?
Aren't our hands and brain supposed to be coordinated in such a way that we can drink without looking at or feeling our mouths to make sure we are hitting the right spot?
Apparently I am dysfunctional.

Also, it is January 21st (my MOM'S BIRTHDAY, BTW!!-- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOMMA!!!!) and I still have my Christmas decorations up.  Talk about being lazy and procrastinating!  I promised myself I would get that done today.

"And now for something completely different:"

I've been thinking lately that there are areas in my life I need to shape up. prune. refine. whatever.
1) I recently noticed I am in a spiritual rut.  Big time.  I'm walking into a glass door over and over and it's getting me nowhere.  I am BORED.  I am bored as heck with church.  I can't stand to wake up and go anymore (but I do).  I am even bored with reading my daily William Barclay.  I LOVE Barclay, but I've been skipping out on him a lot, lately.  I am bored with praying- I feel like me and God are at that stage where we are an old couple completely used to each other, but we try to set a date at a nice restaurant to spend time together and we just end up sitting there in silence because there just isn't much to say.
I need REVIVAL!!!

"I concede, my love, that I need your love
I'm before you, a broken man.
And it's only you, no substitutes, who can renew this soul again...
I'd rather burn for you than fade away,
I'd rather burn for you than go my way."
-Toby Mac

2) I need to STOP WORRYING! 
I think way too much about what has gone wrong and what could go wrong.

3) I need to FORGIVE MYSELF! 
I blame myself for a LOT.
I am afraid that if there is anything wrong with Adry I will blame myself for the rest of my life.
I will blame myself for not eating the best I could,
or for not going to the dentist or the Gastro Paresis specialist on time,
or for not controlling my blood sugar well enough,
or for forgetting my vitamins sometimes,
or for playing music too loud,
or taking too hot of showers,
or breathing too many cleaning chemicals,
or laying on my back and right side too often,
for not exercising,
or for dying my hair,
or for a THOUSAND other things I could have done better during pregnancy.

And yeah, maybe I could have done better.  Maybe I could have been more careful sometimes.  But I need to LET IT GO!  The past is the past and there's NOTHING I can change about it.  I can only move forward.  Of course I want everything PERFECT for Adry.  Of course I want him COMPLETELY healthy from head to toe.  Chances are, he'll be a perfectly happy and healthy baby boy, but if something happens to be "wrong" I know I'll have the strength to deal with it, tackle it one day at a time, and he'll still be by beautiful son NO MATTER WHAT and I need to find peace, faith, and assurance in that.
And, if anything happens to be "wrong", I so desperately need to not blame myself.
Let go. Move on. Grow. Strengthen. Seek beauty, faith, peace.

I need to focus on:
a REAL beauty,
a DEEPER truth,
an ACTIVE love,
what's REAL,
what's RIGHT,
and what's IMPORTANT.

So... I know what I need to do.
Now I just need to do it.

LoveJess