WANTED: Stinky College Kids and Large Dog

Adry presses his foot really hard against my tummy and leaves it there for several seconds.
My stomach looks totally deformed when he does it...
and it feels kinda weird, too.
I also had a dream last night that he was kicking at the bottom of my ribcage and it hurt.
I wonder if he was doing that in real life and I just didn't wake up?
O, that Adry!

I got nervous for the first time the other day about being a mom.
I wasn't necessarily nervous about raising a child
as much as being responsible for a completely helpless and fragile life.

In other news:
I've fallen back into my horrible habit of falling asleep at 1am and then waking up about 4 hours later to get ready for bed.
(Hence the 5:25am LJ post.)
I hate when that happens,
it's just that when I get sleepy I get REALLY sleepy and pass out.

AND
Detectives were watching my apartment complex all day today
(err, yesterday that is).
I know this because when I walked outside at 1:20p there were three similar SUVs parked in the middle of the parking lot facing my side of the court.  In each SUV there was one man in the diver's seat with the window rolled down.
At 2:00p they were still there.
I thought to myself,  'hm, that's suspicious'
so I called Ben and he said there was a guy in an SUV when he left for work at 10:30a.
I decided to call the apartment complex office.
They put me on hold twice.
Finally, a man picked up and told me that the gentleman in the SUV was a police officer
and that he was wrapping up an investigation from an arrest he made earlier.
...Not too long ago (a month or two maybe) Ben and I had these neighbors downstairs.
We thought they were just some dumb college kids that always blared music and smoked pot.
We smelled it.  A lot.
There were also people going in and out of the apartment all day,
so we just supposed they were doing a little more than smoking.
In a matter of weeks they got busted (we thought for obvious reasons)--
Ben came home to cop cars all over the place and police officers dragging their big dog into custody (? lol).
I wonder if THAT'S the arrest that is still being investigated?
If so, those guys must have been into some serious stuff seeing as how it is still being investigated months later!
GEESH!
And in the end it makes me wonder:
Why was their dog arrested?
lol

Jessica [n. jes.i.kuh]:

My name is Jessica LeAnne (Sanders) Ellwood.

 

I believe in God.

I believe he created the universe and everything in it.

I believe he created man, and gave man the god-like ability to create.

I believe in free will.

 

I believe in worship,

And that worship is a daily decision to recognize and obey God.

 

I believe in Heaven and Hell,

That Heaven is an eternity in God’s presence

And Hell is simply eternity in his absence.

I can’t wrap my mind around a fire and brimstone Hell of eternal torture.

I just don’t buy it.

 

I am a Christian.

I believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God, that he died for my sins, and that he rose again in the third day.

 

I guess I could also be considered a Heretic.

I believe in evolution, or at least in its possibility.

I do not believe in a 7 day creation.

I believe the Earth is millions of years old, or at least I am very convinced!

I’m not sure I believe in a worldwide flood,

And I believe in the possibility of the extra terrestrial, or life on other planets.

 

I believe in the church,

That it is the body of Christ

And that it is worldwide and should be completely unified.

 

But I also understand the necessity of denomination-

To define a set of acceptable beliefs and practices

Because too many non-denominational churches divide and crumble over disagreements concerning biblical interpretation.

 

I am a Strait Edge girl.

I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. I don’t have sex outside of marriage.

However,

I think weed should be legalized. 

And to be completely honest

If it were, I would have to do some major thinking about whether its something I would do or not

Because it would probably work 10x better than Xanex and is better than being on the verge of suicide.

 

Which brings me to Depression.

An old friend.

I am familiar with him, and he with me, and I’m okay with that.

 

But Anxiety is a different story.

I hate anxiety.

It effects my life every day

And I would do anything to destroy it.

 

I believe in God’s loving grace.

It is sufficient.

At times it is far more.

I lay my burdens at his feet and he carries them for me.

Sometimes he carries me.

I owe my life to grace.

 

I am…

Defiant to the bone.

Strong willed.

Short tempered.

And often unmotivated.

 

I am not…

A positive thinker

A people-pleaser

A peace keeper

 

I…

Love.

Forgive.

Try to understand perspectives and motivations.

Admit when I am wrong and will be the first to apologize.

Do NOT expect people to live by what I believe unless they claim to believe

And do NOT judge the lifestyles of those who do not believe.

 

I HATE…

Holding grudges, even when it is so hard to let it go.

Being misunderstood without being given the chance to explain myself.

Self-indulgence, self-centeredness, self-rightousness, self-worship.

Arrogance.

 

I LOVE…

FAMILY.

Purity.

Beauty.

Truth.

Passion.

Community.

Peace.

 

I like…

Photographs/ photography-

(I’m no good at it but I sure do appreciate it).

Clothes, jewelry, hair, and other girly things.

Ohio and all four weather seasons.

Lakes, boating, trees, picnics, and flowers.

Novels.

Reflective writing.

Letters.

Movies.

Romance.

Home.

 

I aspire to be…

A lifelong learner.

A lifelong friend.

A flexible, open-minded educator who cares and makes a difference.

A supportive and loving daughter and sister who can always be counted on.

A forever faithful, encouraging, understanding, and affectionately loving wife.

A good, righteous, adoring, unconditionally loving mother who raises godly children,

And a dedicated disciple of God- always surrendering, always loving, always trusting, always obeying.

 

Well, that's ME!

I just went to take a drink of lemonade and completely missed my mouth.  I was a few centimeters shy.
Isn't that supposed to be something humans instinctively know how to do?
Aren't our hands and brain supposed to be coordinated in such a way that we can drink without looking at or feeling our mouths to make sure we are hitting the right spot?
Apparently I am dysfunctional.

Also, it is January 21st (my MOM'S BIRTHDAY, BTW!!-- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOMMA!!!!) and I still have my Christmas decorations up.  Talk about being lazy and procrastinating!  I promised myself I would get that done today.

"And now for something completely different:"

I've been thinking lately that there are areas in my life I need to shape up. prune. refine. whatever.
1) I recently noticed I am in a spiritual rut.  Big time.  I'm walking into a glass door over and over and it's getting me nowhere.  I am BORED.  I am bored as heck with church.  I can't stand to wake up and go anymore (but I do).  I am even bored with reading my daily William Barclay.  I LOVE Barclay, but I've been skipping out on him a lot, lately.  I am bored with praying- I feel like me and God are at that stage where we are an old couple completely used to each other, but we try to set a date at a nice restaurant to spend time together and we just end up sitting there in silence because there just isn't much to say.
I need REVIVAL!!!

"I concede, my love, that I need your love
I'm before you, a broken man.
And it's only you, no substitutes, who can renew this soul again...
I'd rather burn for you than fade away,
I'd rather burn for you than go my way."
-Toby Mac

2) I need to STOP WORRYING! 
I think way too much about what has gone wrong and what could go wrong.

3) I need to FORGIVE MYSELF! 
I blame myself for a LOT.
I am afraid that if there is anything wrong with Adry I will blame myself for the rest of my life.
I will blame myself for not eating the best I could,
or for not going to the dentist or the Gastro Paresis specialist on time,
or for not controlling my blood sugar well enough,
or for forgetting my vitamins sometimes,
or for playing music too loud,
or taking too hot of showers,
or breathing too many cleaning chemicals,
or laying on my back and right side too often,
for not exercising,
or for dying my hair,
or for a THOUSAND other things I could have done better during pregnancy.

And yeah, maybe I could have done better.  Maybe I could have been more careful sometimes.  But I need to LET IT GO!  The past is the past and there's NOTHING I can change about it.  I can only move forward.  Of course I want everything PERFECT for Adry.  Of course I want him COMPLETELY healthy from head to toe.  Chances are, he'll be a perfectly happy and healthy baby boy, but if something happens to be "wrong" I know I'll have the strength to deal with it, tackle it one day at a time, and he'll still be by beautiful son NO MATTER WHAT and I need to find peace, faith, and assurance in that.
And, if anything happens to be "wrong", I so desperately need to not blame myself.
Let go. Move on. Grow. Strengthen. Seek beauty, faith, peace.

I need to focus on:
a REAL beauty,
a DEEPER truth,
an ACTIVE love,
what's REAL,
what's RIGHT,
and what's IMPORTANT.

So... I know what I need to do.
Now I just need to do it.

LoveJess

Big Boys need Big Bellies

O, how Adry has grown!

^Current. 7 Months Pregnant

Jacob Stinks

Hahahaha.  I just found this video on my computer.  It's obviously from a while ago...  I'd never seen it before and had no clue I had it.

This is what Jacob does when he is bored:


YEP!  That's my little brother! :-)

Dear Adry, have you considered speeding up this growing and developing process? Please do.

They weren't lyin' when they said the second trimester is the pregnancy honeymoon!
I'm not sure I fully appreciated the second trimester until I graduated to the third a few weeks ago.

1) My mood swings are back with a vengeance!  People annoy me.  I feel like:  I just want to be left alone; It's Me and Adry vs. The World; No one understands.  Oh, and don't mind my sudden and frequent bursts of self-pity tears.

2) My upset stomache is back.  I find myself hovering over a toilet/trashcan every few days and gagging my meals down one bite at a time.  The saltine crackers have once again taken up residence on the headboard of my bed.

3) Frequent urination.  'nuf said.

4) Stretch marks.  everywhere.  I get depressed about my body sometimes.  It used to not bother me, but now it is starting to.  I don't like what I see in the mirror anymore-- any part of it. Not my face or the fat under my chin or my sausage hands or the stretch marks on my knees, thighs, hips, underbelly, and even boobs!  When Ben and I first got married I was at my ideal weight for my shape and size-- about 105 pounds, size 1 or 2 pants.  This was actually about 10 pounds heavier than I was in High School, but I enjoyed fitting into adult sized clothing, lol.  In the two and a half years that Ben and I were married BEFORE I got pregnant I gained like 35 pounds (I know- WOW!  I blame Ben- I acquired his horrible eating habbits ;-), so I was already too big.  I at least had the hope, though, that I could shed the pounds and get back to my little 100 pound self-- I started HxC dieting and excercising and was doing really well until I got pregnant.  Now, 7 months and 20 pounds later I weigh 160 and am feeling pretty down about it.  Stretch marks are an ugly, ugly reminder. 

5) ...and then there's everything else including sleepless nights of tossing and turning, horrible back pain and body aches, diabetes of course, worrying, breathing problems etc. etc.

Oh, second trimester, I miss you!

I will post 7 month pictures soon-- in a much happier post :)

So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish

Adry and I can interact now.  We do, but in simple ways.  He feels me, and I feel him.

He can feel it when I put pressure on my tummy.  When I sit with my arms crossed on my belly, he rubs his feet across my arm several times until I take it away.  When I put fetal moniters on my belly he kicks right at them.  He also kicks my hand when I push down on my belly.  Sometimes he'll push his foot against my stomache so hard I can actually feel the shape and size of it!  If I rub his little foot with my finger he'll leave it there until I stop!

OH MY GOSH can I really wait 10 whole weeks to meet him?  I WANT HIM NOW!  Plus, he is already so heavy.  I feel like someone put a couple of bricks in me and I am lugging them around.

Hadrian died today.  What a shame.  No more stinky fish.  He'd been lazying around at the bottom of his bowl for days- I knew the end was near.  Benny was actually upset, that sap (hehe).  It's probably just because the guilt from his brutal fish murdering past is eating at him.  He did, afterall, flush Vladimir down the toilet alive a couple of years ago when we were going on vacation!  At least Francois and Hadrian we able to die peacefully and naturally.

I've completely run out of wearable shoes.  There are TWO pairs of footwear I can still fit into: my polkadot boots and some house slippers.  Obviously, neither are appropriate to wear to work, so today I squished my feet into an old pair of black dress shoes and now my feet are bruised!  I haven't decided if it's because my feet are swollen or if they've just grown due to the ligaments stretching.  (Pregnancy hormones soften your ligaments and makes them stretchy to prepare your body for the birthing process.)  I really hope it's the latter.

Anyway, I'm gettin' offa here.  My back hurts!
ForeverLove

Hey, what's the big idea?

I am finally feeling better!  Hooray!
I'm not totally better, but I am getting there.  slowly.  very slowly.

Let's see... I was sick for about 2 weeks with an aweful, lingering cold.  One of those days I had the stomache flu on top of that.  AAAND, seeing as how I've had sinus problems the past few months, all of the congestion from the cold just made it so much worse, and at times unbareable.

I am finally getting used to this diabetes diet/schedule.  Thank goodness I only work 2 nights a week!  I don't know how I could do it if I worked full time.  I have to eat every two hours and check my sugar 4 times a day, 2 hours after meals.  If I don't eat enough I get ketones (which, I guess is when your body is not getting enough sugar so it starts to break down your protein? I'm not positive- I haven't researched it, I've just been told.  I also have to check my urine for ketones every morning and sure enough- if I don't eat enough they are there!), so it's not like I can skip meals and not worry about it.  I find I am eating a LOT more food on this diet (made out for me by a diabetes diatition) than I was before I had diabetes.  I used to just eat a sandwich, a fruit cup, and a glass of milk for lunch.  Now I eat mac n cheese, broccli, a fruit cup, a glass of milk, and some ham slices, then 2 hours later I eat 2 cups of popcorn and a cup of grapes, and two hours after that I'm onto a slice and 1/2 of pizza, a salad, a glass of milk, more fruit, yadda yadda...  My entire day is centered around eating and finger pricks!

TRY THIS, FOLKS: I've not eaten anything sweet (including chocolate milk, soda, donuts, pancakes, honey, syrup, cookies, jelly, jam, fruit juice, candy, granola bars, ceral, regular hot chocolate, pies, cakes, icecream) for nearly a MONTH now, and that was including CHRISTMAS, NEW YEAR'S EVE/MY ANNIVERSARY, AND my BIRTHDAY!  Yep.  As soon as I have this kid I am going to Bobs and getting like 5 hotcakes drenched in syrup and I'll wash them down with a gallon of chocolate milk, then I am going to that little donut shop in Hilliard and eating like 4 iced raspberry donuts, then I'll eat a few PB and honey sandwiches, some iced sugar cookies, drink a few cokes, enjoy a Gaeters black raspberry chip waffle cone, and ONLY after all of that will I go on a diet to loose all the baby weight ;-)!  I mean, I deserve to make up for the holidays, right?

So, all I can think about right now is pregnancy, food, and blood.  sorry.  Though it may not be particularly interesting, it's sort of consuming.  I mean, I've been sick the past 2 weeks, so what else is going on?  nothing!  Just baby, food, blood. baby, food, blood. baby, food, blood.
OH, and the National Championship--> That was a, um, spirit lifter for sure. :-/.  Oh well, there is always next year!

I gotta go eat

Christmas/New Year's Eve Picture Post

This picture is of me and some of my mom's friends at her Christmas cookie exchange.  My mom's friends in this pic are: Irene, Les, Sandie, Pam

Christmas
Christmas was great.  I had a wonderful day with my family, and with Ben's family.

This was my parents' family room on Christmas morning.


Wahlah- Ben and I got a changing table from my parents for Christmas!  Ben's parents got us the matching crib.  I like the set a lot- I think it is very nice.


The traditional stairs picture- Matt, Ben, Reese Pete, Jacob, me.  I look terrible... oh well.  Every year on Christmas morning there must be a picture taken on the stairs as we wait to be welcomed into the family room with all of the presents.




Jacob got a sweet new guitar for Christmas.  I'm a huge fan- I think it's a pretty one.  I got him a fantastic strap to go with it, I might add.

Well, those are all of the Christmas pictures I have.  Later that afternoon Jamie and Stephan came over and we had a yummy lunch and ended the evening playing Pictionary, which was super fun.  OH MAN- Jamie has some funny pics of that on her camera that I wish I could share, but alas I don't have them :-(.

New Year's Eve:
Happy 25 Anniversary Mom and Dad!
Happy 3 Anniversary Jess and Ben!
Let me start off by explaining that on New Year's Eve I had the flu.  It was terrible and I felt like Death.  No- I literally felt like whatever I touched would die and decay before my eyes.  I had been puking all day and it took ALL of my willpower to get out of bed.  Sooo, PLEASE excuse the fact that I look absolutely terrible in these pictures!

Anyway, we started the night off by going to see the movie The Great Debaters, which I thought was really good, actually.  It surprised me.  I cried.  Pregnancy hormones are solely to blame for that.  Afterwards we went to the Japanese Steak House and we brought in the New Year there.


Excuse me, sir, our food is on fire.


Mom and Les= cute best friends


Dad and Ben got to play the drums...


...Jacob played the tamborein and Tay was a "monkey boy" (as the little Japanese man called him) along with Matt...


...and this little guy sang.  That was an interesting experience, lol.




Mrs. Sicko and Ben on their anniversary!


Ben, Jessi, Matt








Yep. They been married fer twennyfav years.








Do you see the little Japanese man in the middle of this picture?  At midnight he started dancing all around the restaurant like a monkey.  I was lucky enough to be the recipient of a very large monkey kiss on the cheek.

Well, those are all of the pictures I have for now!
Enjoy!
:-)

LoveJess

Ben Ten

"Ben Ten" is a nickname someone gave to Ben, but I'm not sure who.

Anyway, Ben and I are officially in our FOURTH year of marriage.  It’s amazing.  I love him more dearly every day.  In light of our recently celebrated third anniversary I decided to make a list of the top 10 things I love about Benny.

 

Ben Top Ten

 

10) I love his eyes.  He has these wonderful almond eyes that are the prettiest shade of green.  Maybe Adry will be so lucky J.

 9) I love how he can be so goofy.  True, his sense of humor is so cliché BOY but I love it anyway.  I don’t think I could ever put up with someone too serious for too long. 
 

 

8) Benjamin is totally into music, and I 100% appreciate that.  His style of music is TOTALLY not mine, but I don’t care- I just love that he is musical.  He plays the guitar, writes lyrics, and enjoys singing (AKA screaming) to metal music.  Over the years he has written songs/poems about me, and what girl doesn’t like that?  I grew up in a family who was completely all about music- my dad plays just about every instrument he can get his hands on (he owns and plays piano, guitar, harmonica, drums, several other percussion instruments including congas and timbales, and he’s not too shabby at bass), my brother Matt plays drums and guitar, and my other brother plays bass and guitar.  In other words, I’ve grown to love music and people who play music, and Ben fits right in with my family.  

 

7) Benjamin is fiercely loyal.  I think this is a trait that he gets from his family.  I’ve noticed that when they decide to support something, they stick by it.  I mean, they REALLY stick by it.  For example, when Ben started working for Verizon Wireless, that company all of the sudden walked on water- according to him they are by far the biggest and best cell phone company and no others can even compare.  He is loyal to his car mechanic, certain politicians, Fifth Third bank, and even Target who laid him off after he worked for them for 6 years.  Even though I don’t understand it sometimes, I LOVE it.  Why?  Because he is also fiercely loyal to ME and the things that are important to me including my family, my schooling, my dreams, etc.  I’ve noticed over the years that if someone hurts Ben he can get very angry, but he also forgives and forgets quite easily.  The rules all change, however, if someone hurts me or one of my family members.  If you hurt me or someone I love, you are pretty much on Ben’s bad side for a lifetime.

 

6) I love that Benny likes to learn.  He likes to read and think about new things.  He likes to be knowledgeable.  This is almost a secret pleasure for him.  He doesn’t usually delve too deep into debating or sharing his opinions when he is around other people, but I assure you- he DOES have an opinion and he DOES research/read up on a lot of things that interest him. 

 

5) One of my most fond memories is of our wedding day and how giddy and incredibly happy Ben was.  My dad told me that Ben was like a kid in a candy store.  When dad walked me down the aisle and Ben and I saw each other for the first time that day, he had the HUGEST smile on his face.  Remembering that lights me up like nothing else- I love that I have a husband who was simply that happy about marrying me and taking me home to be his wife forever.  

 

4) Benjamin spoils me.  Really spoils me.  Did you know that I have NEVER pumped gas?  Never in my life have I pumped gas.  Since I started driving, Ben has made sure my car always has had plenty of gas so that I’ve never had to stop.  Also, on the days he is off work he drives me everywhere I need to go.  He knows I hate driving, so it’s just something he does for me.  He even drives me to interviews and waits around until I am done.  When I was in school he would spend hours waiting around for me while I was in class just so that we could spend my breaks together.  On the days he was off work he went to nearly every dull and boring chapel service with me just to keep my company, even if I just sat there and did homework the whole time.  When I had to do homework at the computer lab, he would drive me and sit in the lab with me for hours upon hours at a time just so that I wasn’t alone.  It’s REALLY easy to take these things for granted when you get so used to them.  I hope I am forever thankful instead of expectant.

 

3) I just love everything that makes Ben Ben.  Sooo many things will FOREVER remind me of him: popcorn, Clint Eastwood, horror movies (specifically any Rob Zombie movie), his only pair of girl pants he wears every day, the Browns, Zao (and a lot of other metal music), English Bulldogs, skateboarding, stale peeps, his ratty t-shirt “visor”, and the list could go on and on.  A sappy but true story- even though my life IS Ben and I see him every single day, I still go through times when, if I see one of these things, I really start to miss him (if he is at work or out with his brothers or friends).  

 

2) If Ben hadn’t consistently and fully supported me since we got married, I would have no chance of fulfilling my dreams or reaching my career goals.  For three entire years he has taken on the complete financial responsibility of supporting both himself and I.  I’ve never paid rent, electric, insurance, car payments, cell phone bills, or any other bill.  I’ve never had to even deal with it.  Since we got married I’ve either been pregnant or in school.  I DO plan on launching my full-time career by Fall of ’09 if all goes as planned, and I’m sure Ben is super excited about that, but he has NEVER rushed me or discouraged me.  Ever.  He has NEVER complained or made me feel like I am not a contributing equal in our marriage.  He has ALWAYS been willing to sacrifice for me.

 

1) Ben is a family man, and I love love love that.  He loves his family- he really looks up to his dad, and he is super proud of his brother, Daniel, for going to school for the Marines.  He absolutely loves when his other brother, Josh, wants to spend time with him, and it’s obvious he has a soft spot in his heart for his mom.  I am also tremendously thankful that he loves my family, too.  He is great friends with my brothers, he really respects and enjoys my dad, and he appreciates my mom.  He is also so excited to be a daddy.  He asks me often if I can please take Adry out of my belly so that he can play with him, and he tells me all the time that he can’t wait until the baby is here.  Ben puts family first in his life.  I love that about him- I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I Love You, Benny!